something saved on my old computer

I’m a has-been Christian. I once believed, or pretended I had.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t force a set of rules on my searching and free soul. I wondered how others could do that to themselves. They obey something they can’t prove exists every single day of their lives and it makes them happy.
It drives me insane because I can’t wrap my mind around it.
So who’s the one at fault?

As much as I can’t believe, I understand why they enjoy it.
With their belief, they feel as though they have a place. They have hope even in the darkest of times. When something goes horribly wrong, believers feel in their hearts that it was for a just reason, one which was meant to happen out of the love of a higher being.

Why couldn’t I feel such love? Why couldn’t I believe?
It wasn’t as though I hadn’t tried with my entire being. I truly and dearly tried, but it never occurred in my heart. Was I going about it the wrong way?
I was told if I opened my heart to Christ, he would save me.
It was all supposed to make sense. It was supposed to be easier that breathing.
It wasn’t.

I’m a has-been Christian. I could never believe.

life.

i got a new lens today.

bleh.

that is what kind of day it has been. all i've done is play soccerrrr

i've been obsessed with blueberry eggos lately

they are just too deliciousss


i wish i could push FastForward on my life.

i feel trapped

perhaps in a glass cage



i really don't know what to do with myself

a man once asked me if i'd rather be heartless or have my heart on my sleeve,
i told him i'd be dead either way.

vday

i've never had a boyfriend on valentine's day.
who the fuck cares?


not me.

jk, it would probably be nice, but i wouldn't know what to do with myself if i had one.

Today I had to give Dobby clothes.
In normal people words; I sold my ipod[Dobby] to Zach.

Now i get to buy my new one!
120GBs of Delight!

boo

Ahh, i can't believe the acadeca competition has already come and gone, and i am now not so patiently waiting for the results.
I was so freaking excited when we won the SuperQuiz, if/when we win the complete competition, I will probably pass out from happiness.


on a far different note, i am still pretty pissed that Gaspard Ulliel didn't play Edward in Twilight and that it was one of the worst movies i've seen in a long time